Ranking NFL Draft Rooms by Gaudiness
Gaudiness- noun. garish or gaudy quality; cheap or tasteless showiness or excessive brightness, colorfulness, busyness, etc.
There are people smarter than me who can handle draft grades. I’m more interested in the war rooms of the different NFL draft franchises. Who’s spending the most money on the things that don’t matter? Who’s got wall-to-wall screens, embroidered chairs, and real wooden desks? I’m out here asking the important questions, for you!
1. Jets
When you look at this draft room, there are questions you need to ask yourself. Are we drafting prospects or are we putting a man on the moon? Is this an episode of Black Mirror? The Jets belong in a tier of their own, the “Batshit Crazy” tier. If you want a masterclass in gaudy, over-the-top, unnecessary spending, look no further than the Jets’ war room. The stark white walls, the individual desks, the absurd number of screens, WITH branding on each individual monitor, and the sterile vibes of this room put it over the top, not to mention the statement wall. They’ll get bonus points for organization and cord management as well. The ONLY thing holding them back is that the chairs aren’t branded. I love this, and I hope the Jets continue to make terrible choices from this room.
2. Giants
Okay, so now we enter our “Elevated Office” tier. These teams still take things over the top, but at least if we had to, we could have a regular meeting in this room without feeling like we’re in A Space Odyssey. The branding is still over the top, with the neon NY sign and the branded chairs. In fact, those chairs look really nice. I’d sit in one of those and sweat over a first-round pick any day. Do you need a coffee, an expensive bottle of water, or a refreshing drink with which we’ve entered into a brand deal? Good news! Those are all available at our handy-dandy drink station. The Giants get bonus points for the solid wood desks. Good stuff.
3. Falcons
The Falcons’ war room is similar enough to the Giants’, but they fall short in some areas. First, no branded chairs. Second, the room feels smaller. Third, not as many TVs. In fact, why the hell is that TV in the middle of the room, on the floor. First of all, if you’re going to put it on the floor, why not position it so that everyone can see it? Actually, why even put it on the floor at all? You’re telling me you couldn’t mount it to that far wall? Bonus points for the statement wall with the name and logo, the cord organization, and the LED light strips under the desk.
4. Saints
Again, we’ve got an over-the-top statement wall, branding on the chairs, and a wall of screens. Where the Saints fall flat against the teams ahead of them are in the following areas: the lowest-quality branded chairs, cheap-looking desks, (I think it’s the paint job) and the black paint on the wall makes them look like Dwight Schrute’s office. The room is too dark.
5. Broncos
Y’all were so close! If you’d branded the chairs, this might honestly be #1. Not only do you have a statement wall, (complete with inspirational quote) you’ve also got a secondary logo behind you. There’s a giant wall of montiors. The multi-tiered setup lets everyone see without having to peer around other people. Whereas the Jets’ war room feels dystopian, this feels functional, like we’re landing a Mars rover. Good stuff.
6. Vikings
Where are we, A college classroom? The statement wall takes up the entirety of the back, but that, combined with the moveable desks and regular office chairs gives this a university vibe.
7. Eagles
This would be a cool conference room in a regular office building. Where’s the branding? No logos? No E-A-G-L-E-S? For shame Philadelphia! The light fixtures look good, the office furniture looks high quality, and the high-end furnishings will certainly get you into the top quarter of the list, but they’ll only get you so far.
8. Commanders
The Commanders are lower than they probably should be, but that’s more for a lack of photos than anything. First, let’s deal with what we can see. Sure they have a statement wall, but the room feels small because the desks feel cramped. Is that indent in the wall that the gentleman on the left is standing in front of supposed to be a door? Why is it so big? Also, to repeat myself, the lack of photos makes it incomplete. I can’t give points for things I can’t see. How many TVs are we working with? Is there any other branding? Is the room bigger than I can see? This could have been better, but there are certainly worse rooms out there.
9. Chargers
Chargers, you started fine but you couldn’t finish the drill. The two separate tables make me feel like the space isn’t collaborative. The chairs are branded and they look to be high-quality, and the use of screens is nice along one wall, but again, there’s a lack of over-the-top branding like we’ve seen in spaces before them. Also, the bench seat is in an odd spot below the screens. I feel like I wouldn’t want to sit there because I’d be self-conscious about my head blocking something. Again, this is a better meeting room than a war room.
10. Colts
The stickers on the desks, the desks themselves, the matching t-shirts, and the binder in view make this feel like a teachers’ workshop. Is that woman in the middle sitting on a medicine ball? She sure is. Good for her for working on her posture, but here and now? I think not. Get that back to your personal office space. Otherwise, nothing wows me about this space.
11. Jaguars
The branding in comparison with the perceived size of the room feels off. Sure, you’ve got a neon sign and a large decal, but the room still feels bare. Also, cheap black tables and regular chairs are no fun. I don’t know if it’s just how the picture shows them but the projector screens don’t seem to be working too well with that much light.
12. Bills
The lack of branding sticks them outside the top third of the rankings, but the pictures on the wall make the space feel sentimental.
13. Ravens
If I was standing in this room and the screens were off, how would I know what it’s used for? Also, the room is again too small.
14. Chiefs*
I’m going to be honest with you, I couldn’t rank the chiefs any higher because I couldn’t find any current pictures of the space. Which Super Bowl is that wall referring to? Not having any pictures puts you middle-of-the-pack.
15. Lions
Matching hoodies? Check. Statement wall featuring a lion with piercing blue eyes? Check. The widest computer monitor on the list? Check. I’d bet almost any amount of money they’re blasting some Bob Seger, Grand Funk Railroad, or Ted Nugent.
“Sorry, we didn’t have time to procure good tables and chairs, we were curating a vibe.”
16. Cowboys
Y’all, oil must be down. You’re telling me that Jerry Jones calls this a war room? Nobody’s got any damn space! I’d hate to have to sit that close to Jerry, because I’d have to be the first one to action if something happens to him, and I am NOT giving that old man mouth-to-mouth. Also, you call that a statement wall? Where’d you get that neon sign, Jerry? Temu? I expected better from a supervillain.
17. Texans
The Texans could be great, but have to be better. You’ve got the statement wall, you’ve got the branded computer screens, but that’s about all you’ve got going for you. In fact, not all of them are even branded. Come on y’all, you can get a pack of 50 stickers for cheap. Draft room photo or picture from last year’s corporate seminar at your office job? The world may never know!
18. Browns
To give y'all a peek behind the curtain, my wife helped me put these in order. We had a 20-minute fight about where the Browns should be ranked. I thought they should probably go a spot or two higher. Sure the room is poorly lit, and there’s no branding on the chairs, and why are some of the chairs facing away from the screens? However, there are some positives. We’ve got some matching t-shirt action and a statement wall. In my humble opinion, this should go above the Lions. My wife disagrees. First of all, she HATES the Browns’ logo. “Why isn’t it brown? It’s just a helmet? That’s it?” She ragged on the Browns and honestly thinks they would be even lower, so here they sit. When I said my vows over a year ago, I never thought these were the compromises we’d be working out. Marriage is a wonderful thing.
19. Buccaneers
I have to point something out. Everyone in the room is looking at the TV in the background. Is that the only TV in the room?? I don’t think I’ve owned a TV smaller than that in my entire adult life, even through college. Are you kidding me? Invest in a larger screen, or set of screens, or a projector. Something! I’ll give them points for the cushy, branded chairs, and the memorabilia on the walls, but we’ve GOT to do better. This is a disgrace.
20. Titans
Run-of-the-mill draft room. No visible giant screens, and no branding on the chairs. This doesn’t ‘wow’ me, but it also doesn’t disappoint me either.
21. 49ers
Are the two computer screens touching because they’re best friends, or do they belong to one person? Lack of branding on the walls, and once again, very corporate-retreat-coded, especially with the matching t-shirts in the picture.
22. Bears
Does anyone in this room own a dress shirt? NFL draft or fantasy league draft, am I right? Also, a pro tip: put the thing everyone has to look at towards the front so no one has to crane their neck.
23. Cardinals
The space is too small and there’s no branding. Lame!
24. Rams
Honestly, I know this doesn’t look like much, but if you didn’t know, the LA Rams decided to spend their draft day in the community, drafting players from the LAFD Air Operations Center. Obviously, using this as a headquarters makes it harder to decorate, but in my opinion, this is an awesome gesture by the Rams.
25. Steelers
Sad, sad effort by the Steelers here. There’s only one logo in the back, no statement wall or excessive banding, only one TV, classroom tables and chairs, even some desks off to the side? Lame!
26. Dolphins
Why is one side of the room raised? What’s the point of these chairs? The dolphins logo is one of my favorites, but it’s nowhere to be seen. I’m so underwhelmed by this space. Get Mike McDaniel in there and let him work! We need a dolphin wearing a helmet on that back wall, stat! I expected better of the team that drafted Christian Wilkins.
27. Raiders
Another draft room with a lack of pictures. With so little to go off of, they get a low ranking!
28. Panthers
I’m disappointed in my hometown team. There’s no visible branding, cheap curtains on the desks, and way too much open space.
29. Seahawks
What else can I say about rooms with no identity? At least this room looks alive, compared to the rooms below it.
30. Packers
I’ll cut them a break since the carpet is a team color, but no one looks happy to be there.
31. Patriots
Tiny desk, big man? No branding for the Patriots? Also, Robert Kraft. Yuck!
32. Bengals
It’s giving hotel conference room vibes.